2024 could have been my year
This feeling is so bad. 2024 could have been my year and there was nothing no limiting factor this time to stop me. I had a clean slate, i started the year with clearing an exam and there was nothing i was already busy with. I could've joined the gym but the whole year i gave reasons that my parents weren't allowing but that's not a valid reason now that i think about it, i couldve done it with or without their permission(i just had to make some money disappear from my bank and noone was checking any transactions). Could've started skin care but everyday i pushed the research to next day. Could've given just a few hours everyday to my academics but didn't do that either. I mean academics was the most important task of this year imo. Could've made friends and go out socialize but I never took the initiative. Could've fixed my schedule and instate good habits and a good system.
There are sooo many could haves. At the start of the year i was so happy and was feeling butterflies in my stomach because those exams were clear and was excited for what's to come next but i it was me who sabotaged myself. For past years I had all the reasons but for this year ive none. Maybe the reasons i gave to myself for previous years were fake aswell and it was always me and not my environment which was the problem.
Im just regretful of how this year went and i didn't even realise and no growth. On upcoming exams im going to tank and get not good marks. I will be sad. Around this time last year i was just very excited for next year.
So this is a letter to future me the one after exams that brother please please do everything you can and be better.
Also ive a lot of anger and sorrow since childhood which i never let out. Now it's leaking. ive never talked about this with anyone i mean who will understand and try to listen and i also don't want others to feel petty for me. So ive to do something about this too or it will be bad for me and others around me.
Recently i also realised and maybe i already knew this for a long time that the way i am around people literally everyone is not who i am. I just adapted myself to be this so that others would accept me or atleast i don't feel that bad. True me is not very innocent either. Now the more i think about it the more i hate my own skin (metaphorically). Im going to change man. 2025 will be my year.