19/11/2024
ohh boy i carve socializing. i knew that i need someone but this much? is something new i have come to know about myself. im not going out of my place other than in situations i really need to and im not going out to interact with anyone. i think they are my friends but atmost we go out sometimes, eat something and talk random stuff. we have no contact other than that meetup. i don't feel a bond with them though i like to go out with them. our meetups is a relief from my boring life.
so as ive realised that i really need someone in my life contrary to my previous belief, im very lonely. and i don't know how to have this person. where will i find and initiate a friendship with them. im just staring this screen all day long because i can't make myself study even though this is the last moment my procrastinator brain should pick up the signals and start to work.
fuck maybe im overthinking. i will only feel relief once my exams are over.
a regular college life would have changed me a lot like positively but this is the battle ive choosen and it will be the stick to this drowning guy. maybe i should practice gratitude from now on, im being very negative.
things im grateful for:
- having a comfortable place with all things i need
- being alive. i see on net that some people choose to not give birth to a child because they think they will give misery to their child because this world is cruel. im very thankful that my parents did not think the same. im thankful that i was born. right now im not in a really good situation but i think good times will come. i will overcome everything that limits me.
if i just detach myself from this situation like always, this me crying seems soo stupid. like im soo privileged compared to someone who didn't get decent education in high-school and they can't affort a good lifestyle or someone who don't have food to eat two times a day. i question myself can i not be sad for my situation because im still better than probably 70% of the humans right now, because of my parents who worked really hard. don't quote me or ask me about this 70% percent figure.. i don't know any stats okay im just throwing a number there.
okay enough of this. im gonna go back and do a study session. bye.